By Adrian Cho, Ph.D.
“Tell me about yourself.” No other set of four words have quite the same potential to conjure up existential angst. It’s really asking, “Who are you?” Considering the question invites self-reflection as we try to articulate our narratives about who we are. And it comes up in all manner of contexts: Job interviews, meeting a new friend… and of course, college applications. Coming up with an answer to the prompt requires a lot of introspection, and if you are anything like me, it can provoke anxiety, discomfort, and self-criticism. It’s easy to get stuck in your own head, and you may end up not presenting yourself in the best possible light. This post is for those of you out there who struggle with introspection because of self-judgment and anxiety. Below, I want to suggest three interconnected reframing strategies – curiosity, balance, and compassion – which work together to help us reflect more honestly and authentically while protecting us from excessive self-judgment.
Be curious
My first job out of undergrad was as a technician in a hearing science laboratory. I had just finished my degree in physics, not being sure what to do after. When I saw the job posting, I thought to myself, “Well, I love both music and science, so it sounds great to combine both!” That first week of work was total misery. I felt completely out of my depth, and while I had learned the theory of working with electronics in my various courses and labs, it was completely another matter to apply it in a specialized setting that I had no experience in. I went home after the end of Friday, feeling exhausted and frustrated.
When faced with reflecting on our work or past experiences, it’s easy for many of us to immediately jump to judgment and criticism – judgment and criticism that can leave us feeling exhausted and frustrated. But what if we approached self-reflection with a curious mindset instead? Instead of saying, “Why can’t I or didn’t I do more?” we could ask: “What did I learn from that experience? How did it change me? What skills did I develop?” This approach is more likely to bear fruit in revealing connections and growth we might have missed through a more critical lens. Curiosity helps us mine our experiences for meaning rather than dismissing them as insignificant. It can turn self-reflection from an anxiety-producing exercise into an opportunity for self-discovery.
Be balanced
As stated earlier, it can be easy to dwell on our own shortcomings and let it dominate the narrative. A lot of us fall into this pitfall for a variety of reasons – whether it be a culturally enforced humility or a fear of seeming arrogant. But a balanced self-presentation requires looking at both strengths and growth areas with clarity. Without that balance and clarity, we won’t be able to let our authentic selves shine through.
The key to balance is getting outside your own head and doing your best to observe yourself from an external perspective (some might call this “objectivity”, though I’m not a big fan of that word on account of it often being normatively loaded). Be very honest about your past experiences. What did you do? How did that impact the people and the environment around you? What were the tangible results? What skills and qualities did you exercise and responsibilities did you manage? Seeking actual external feedback from trusted sources (mentors, teachers, etc.) can play a crucial role here.
The point of cataloguing your past experience isn’t to brag obnoxiously or to self-aggrandize. Rather, it’s about being honest and authentic about your achievements and acknowledging room for improvement, which is vital for the college application process. For example, when you struggle to fill out your Student Activities Worksheet, consider whether you are incorporating all the facts into your story. Instead of just writing, “I was a member of the school’s Eco Club for 2 years,” you might write “I was elected the Vice President of the Eco Club and initiated a school-wide campaign to improve recycling, resulting in a 90% increase in recycled trash.”
Be compassionate
Are you a perfectionist? I know I am. Having high personal standards is all well and good and can even motivate us to achieve great things. However, the standards we hold ourselves to can sometimes be just too high. Consider what you would say to a friend who thinks their accomplishments don’t matter or they are a failure for not getting an A on a test. You would (ideally) point out their strengths, acknowledge their efforts, and offer encouragement. Yet, compassion can feel paradoxical as it can be so much harder to apply to ourselves.
Something that’s important to remember about self-compassion is that it’s not about making excuses or avoiding accountability. Rather, it’s about treating ourselves with the same respect and understanding we would naturally extend to others. When you catch yourself thinking, “I should have done more,” or “Others are so much better,” pause and ask yourself, “Would I say this to a friend? Would I dismiss their efforts so easily?” Remember: being compassionate with yourself doesn’t mean ignoring areas for improvement. It means approaching those areas with understanding rather than harsh judgment.
The compassionate approach can greatly aid, too, in the self-reflection required for applications. It’s easy to diminish your achievements with thoughts like, “It’s not impressive enough,” or “Everyone else has done more.” Instead, acknowledge your journey, recognize your growth, and treat your experiences with the respect they deserve.
The point of effective self-reflection is to come up with an honest and authentic self-narrative in the least painful way. Approaching your situation with clarity and a lack of judgment will also allow you to realistically assess where you are currently and chart a fruitful path forward. This isn’t easy to do, and it’s also ok to get outside help. It doesn’t necessarily become easier or more comfortable over time, but you DO become more practiced at it. Hopefully, through that hard work of constructing a positive self-narrative, you will discover not just how to present yourself effectively, but also gain a deeper understanding of yourself and appreciation for your unique journey and potential.
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